Dr. Krause: What is the role of the father in the family?

We realize that the life of a modern man is not only about work and leisure, but also about family. That's why we decided to bring you a series of articles dedicated to family, relationships and, to a lesser extent, mental health . This is the second part of the series with neuropsychologist Robert Krause. You can read the first article about how to prepare for parenthood here . Fathers, or parents in general, often want their children to have everything, and that's why they spend a lot of time at work. They think that thanks to this, their children will go to good kindergartens, schools, interesting clubs... Only later do they find out that although children have everything, what they lack is a parent, his presence, both physical and mental. In this part of our series with Dr. Krause, you will learn a lot of information about the role of a father in the family, about fathers on parental leave, and about raising children.

"In the end, it doesn't matter to the child what kind of car he drives in, what kind of egg he has, or what kind of house he lives in. What is much more important is the relationship the father has with the mother and the mother with the father, what relationship they have with the child himself. And the learning process also depends on that. The child matures even without such external influences. But there is research, for example, from Romanian orphanages, which has shown that when children did not have contact with their parents, they did mature, they grew, because their basic physiological needs were provided, but in terms of brain functioning they lacked neural connections, and as a result, the children were much worse off socially, but also emotionally, than children who grew up in a healthy and stimulating environment," explains Dr. Krause.

Father on parental leave

It goes without saying that a child needs its mother especially in the first months of its life. The relationship between her and the child continues to develop, the baby immediately after birth seeks milk, identifies the mother's scent and her touch. Later, after a few months, however, it is more common than in the past that the roles of father and mother are reversed, the father goes on parental leave to be with the child and the mother returns to work. However, in the first months after birth, the mother is already more important than the father from an evolutionary point of view.

"If a man is able to abandon the usual stereotype that he is the one who earns and the woman is the one who takes care of the household and the child, it can have advantages. The child suddenly has more intense contact with his father, has a different type of role model in front of him, does different activities, sees a different attitude, approach. The child benefits from the presence of a person who spends a lot of time with him. The mother, in turn, has the opportunity for self-realization, feels more appreciated and recognized. It is important that these differences between men and women are blurred, so that it is not just about the fact that raising children is only up to the mother, it is also about the father. Both have their own significant influence on the child, each from their own role. Whether we want it or not, parents influence their children. The father influences differently than the mother and the mother influences differently than the father. Even if the mother works and the father is on parental leave, it is not a shame and it should not be a shame that the woman is on maternity leave and the father works. It is important, "so that both roles are perceived as equal, without any inferiority or underestimation," says Robert Krause.

Parents influence their children

Children are very intense observers from birth, absorbing information and using it to create a picture of the world they live in. They often experience what their parents experience and are a "reflection" of the family they are a part of. "The child watches what the parent does when he comes home from work. He takes off his jacket, greets us, we go to dinner, and in this way the child creates a certain model of how a man and a woman work, and he can then do the same in the future. But again, when he sees a different model, the parent comes home angry, sits down at the computer, yells at us... We are the movie for the child. This means that the child is an observer of different movies, some are action, some are comedy, adventure, some are science fiction. We are the ones who play those movies for him. It is true that what "movies" we watch will ultimately determine where we will go." "Parents should take into account that when a child arrives, their own physiological needs will be neglected to some extent - the need for rest, the need to eat, the need for sex, and it is understandable, so the role of a parent also entails a change in stereotypes and lifestyle, but in the long run it is often a much more beautiful period than the period without a child. Even if it is very difficult at first," says Krause, adding that the role of a father is key in every family. "In psychology, we know ten fathers. According to him, the first duty of a father towards his children is to love their mother. In other points, the physical presence of the father is mentioned, the father instills strength, brings hope, is a role model for children, gives reassurance, encourages, remembers, talks, forgives, teaches children to solve problems."

When a second child comes into the family

Just as a child changed the lives of both parents, the arrival of another member of the household will affect all members of the household. Parents need to devote their attention and time to both children, as well as to each other, and the older child may feel pushed away or less loved at first because of this. "Of course, this is natural. It is important for the parents to explain and describe the situation to the older child, and for the child to have the opportunity to perceive it. We can use various comparisons, that the mother's heart is now bigger and can give more love to the sibling. It is important for the child to have it explained and understood," advises Dr. Krause. It is a very psychologically demanding period for parents, too, setting up a new regime in the family and, to an even greater extent, neglecting one's own needs. "Each member of the household will be affected differently by the arrival of a new member, but there are also some similarities. For example, a man may feel deprived in terms of attention, because his wife may no longer give him so much touch, they do not have such frequent sexual intercourse, a man may feel physiologically neglected in this area. A woman may feel misunderstood, unwelcome, unaccepted, frustrated by the lack of sleep and rest, which will subsequently affect higher needs such as conversation, contact with a partner... It is important to be empathetic to children, partner and yourself in such moments." You can read more about why work, family, and personal balance is important in the next part of the series with Dr. Krause. You can read the previous article on how to prepare for parenthood here . In the third part, we discussed the need for work, family, and life balance and mental health .