Dr. Krause: How to prepare for the role of parent

We realize that the life of a modern man is not only about work and leisure, but also about family. That's why we decided to bring you a series of articles dedicated to family, relationships and, to a certain extent, mental health . We believe that you will find what you need in the articles. Parenting is a natural part of almost everyone's life. From an evolutionary point of view, we are destined to become parents, but it is natural that some have a more developed parental instinct, while others learn parenting all their lives. We talked to neuropsychologist Robert Krause about the natural, but sometimes demanding role of a parent, a father, about preparation, about what this role entails, and how to find balance in life. In this part of our series, you will learn a lot of information about preparing for parenthood.

"Parenting is a combination of maturation and learning. It is important that we stop comparing ourselves to other parents, that we compare ourselves to ourselves in this role. This role requires our increased attention, something that we experience individually, through ourselves and our own experiences and senses. The degree to which we perceive it is influenced by who we are. For some, the role of parent is easy, for others it is difficult. In any case, it carries a lot of room for learning and a lot of room for lessons," says Robert Krause about the role of mother and father.

Preparing for parenthood

Compared to the past, we have much easier access to information when it comes to preparing for parenthood, often to such an extent that we are unable to evaluate what is good and what is bad. "We know the negative impacts of our actions, we know what people didn't know in the past, we are more competent, and at that point, of course, we are also more concerned when we do what we do and we know what negative impacts it can have on our children," says Dr. Krause, adding: "Although it is more of a sociological issue, from the point of view of brain development we see that today's children are exposed to a different environment, that is, in the past, television, tablets, computers were not present, today they are part of upbringing. Therefore, it is largely understandable that children behave differently, prefer digital tools to book tools, but here it is again important to emphasize that the parent plays a major role in this. So it still applies that if we want to help a child, we first need to help the person who is raising that child."

Thanks to the information, we can feel more confident and competent in our new role. The information that future mothers and, ideally, fathers in their presence should avoid smoking, alcohol, discos or other environments with unsuitable conditions for pregnant women is generally known. "Because the fetus is connected to the mother through the umbilical cord, it breathes what the mother breathes, drinks what the mother drinks, and when the mother suffocates due to smoking, the baby suffocates too. It is precisely preparation that carries the probability of a higher level of competence and at the same time a lower error rate and risk. However, I do not want to say that there are no people who are very good parents even without having completed various seminars, courses, training or reading professional books, because this is intuitively conditioned in them," explains Krause. "But I think we should take it literally as inspiration, the final decision should be ours. I draw from a certain source, I expect a certain benefit from it, and then in practice I need to evaluate whether it helped or whether it requires some further change. It is important for parents to avoid evaluation and to evaluate more. Many experiences of other parents can be an inspiration for us, but they are not always transferable."

A father can build a relationship with his child even before birth

It is natural that as a child grows inside a woman, the mother is closer to it than the father. However, the father can also build a relationship with the child even before it is born. "The child experiences what the mother experiences. The mother spends all her time with the newborn, but the man can, for example, stroke the belly, so-called prenatal communication, touch, or talk to him, read him fairy tales. These are just embryos, of course, the child does not remember it, but he remembers, but even in this way a relationship is built. The same thing happens after childbirth. The parent, the father, can hold the child in his arms, touch him, the baby can smell him, can spend time with him, talk to him, can look at him, can gradually play with him as the child grows... But it is precisely time, mental and physical presence and touch that help build the bond between the child and the father," says the neuropsychologist and explains the interesting fact that some men go through a similar period during pregnancy to women.

"Although it is not possible from a physiological point of view, we have mirror neurons, which means that, for example, we perceive a higher level of hypersensitivity even in men whose wives are hypersensitive, or we see an increased level of anxiety even in men whose wives are anxious. Postpartum depression can also occur in men, or anxiety states in men. Whether we want it or not, especially when we are talking about first-time parents who are about to have their first baby, at that moment their role is also born. This means that when a child is born, the parents are also born, the father and mother are born."

The parent is born with the child

People are often demanding of themselves, they have high expectations of others, but also of themselves. With our first child, we find ourselves in the role of parent for the first time, and we may feel incompetent and frustrated. "When a child falls and starts crying, the parent runs up and uses the so-called brain integration, first connecting to the emotions and telling them 'I hear you crying, I see your tears', then expanding the name of that emotion - 'I noticed that you were probably scared, you probably didn't expect there to be a curb, you fell, come to me, I'll hug you'. That's when I emotionally meet the child's needs and then I can psychoeducate and say something like - 'It's very important that you look around when you run'. At that given moment, the child is ready to listen. Versus a situation where a parent just runs up and starts shouting 'why didn't you see the curb, how are you behaving'? It is important to combine intuition and rationality, it is important to be physically and mentally present, and to realize that we are doing the best we can and if we are not sure, "Let's ask for advice from an expert in the field, let's avoid reading discussion forums, because there we will find instructions that carry a high level of generalization and a low level of application. Let's be conscious parents. This means - being aware of our role as a parent and perceiving the child as a person whom we have the opportunity to develop." You can read about the role of a father in the family in the next part of the series with Dr. Krause . In the third part, we discussed the need for balance in work, family and life and mental health .